Uneligable Bachelorette
by Mistress Zelda
Summary: Magical Melody. Tina's life in Flower Bud Village was great...until she invoked the feelings of the Flower Bud Bachelors. Rated for creepy pickup lines. Please Read and Review. Chapter 9: Louis. Please read and review.
1. Chapter 1

**Warning: Some characters personalities may be a little off. Just a little.**

It's been about a year since I've moved into Flower Bud Village. I've been living my life pretty well. I've got a barn and a chicken coop, I've been get those precious Musical notes to revive the Harvest Goddess, and I've made some decent money. So, right now, everything's been good in my life.

But recently some peculiar things have been happening. Now, I'm not antisocial; I certainly have been communicating with the villagers in these parts, giving them gifts, and joining them in their festivals. Some of them have been giving me gifts in return for my friendship. Lately though, I've been getting strange letters and gifts from the men my age in the village. And when giving me said gifts, I can see them blushing and twiddling their thumbs nervously. It's been kind of creepy.

But now, they're getting a little weird. Saying weird things, not being able to say anything, and in the case of Louis, passing out whenever I ask him something. When I told Theodore about this, he just nodded and told me something about potatoes. Useless.

When I awoke today, I had an unnerving feeling things were about to get weirder. And they did.

The day started out normal. It was a nice sunny spring day. I tended to my animals, watered and picked the crops, and cleaned up around the yard. With some extra time to spare, I decided to go check out the mines.

This is where the problem started.

I've been kind of short on money lately so I decided to go down to a low level of the Moonlight Cave to get me some Diamonds. However, I was so focused on getting them that I didn't pay attention to the screams of my body. One moment I was swinging my hammer to crush a crystal and the next moment…black. I accidentally passed out.

When I awoke, I got a vision of something kind of awkward to wake up to:

There, a few inches away from me was Alex. "Wanna go out with me?"

Of course, I had no idea where I was, or what had just happened. "Huh? Where am I?"

"Well, patient, you have just awoken in the LOVE Clinic," Alex replied giving me . "And I, Doctor McDreamy am here to give you your diagnosis. Of LOOOVE."

That brought me to my senses. My mouth dropped. "Doctor McDreamy? What is this nonsense? This isn't a Love Clinic!"

"Hush now!" Alex pressed his index finger on my lips. "It's time for Doctor McDreamy's diagnosis. I'm afraid you've got a very serious case of the love fever, and the only thing I can prescribe is a date with Doctor McDreamy." He did the creepiest pose a doctor can do.

"Wait, what?" I asked.

"Doctor's orders! Now, hurry and wake up. We're going to the Moonlight Café."

Did I have a choice? No. Not at all. As soon as Alex, or McDreamy the Love Doctor, was sure I could stand up, he dragged me to the Moonlight Café where I was forced to dine with him. And things got worse from there.

"Speaking of Blue Feathers…" Alex started.

"I never said anything about Blue Feathers…" I retaliated.

"Well, now that you mention it," he replied. "I uh, think you should have this…" He handed me a piece of paper that said "Bill" on it.

I looked down at the price and written in pink pen with a bunch of hearts around it were the words, "One Blue Feather."

I looked back up at him; my facial expression said I was not impressed.

"You know," he said. "I got my PHD in Passion 101. The Love Doctor is ready to give you a full body exam." He moved his eyebrows up and down as he said this.

I think I'm about to throw up. I felt my breakfast rising to my mouth.

Just then, Eve walked over with our food, which was a giant plate of spaghetti and meatballs. "Enjoy."

"Oh, we will," Alex responded, putting a large meatball in his mouth and winking…

Yeah, that was all I could take.

I covered my mouth and bolted out of the Café. But as I left, I heard Alex say to Eve, "So uh, are you going to come to the wedding?"

That night, getting to sleep was a pain. Every bump I heard outside I started screaming. This is what I get for trying to be NICE.

The next morning, I woke up groggy. I'll have to make sure I go to bed early tonight. But a few minutes after I woke up, I got a knock at the door. Hesitantly, I opened it.

"Hey there," it was the "Love Doctor." "I'm afraid I need to collect your pay, which is a blue feather." Alex held out his hand.

I gave him a very angry look. "Go. Away."

"Right, right. Well, you know I'm looking forward to that payment," he said with a wink. "And don't worry, I'll make sure you stay in good health."

"What are you going to do, stalk me?" I asked.

"No," he replied. "I'm just going to follow you around every waking hour and make sure you don't pass out."

There was silence. "…yeah, that's stalking…"

"There's a word for that?" Alex inquired. "Cool. Well, I need to go to the clinic. Stalk you later!"

I closed the door and fell backwards. Please…tell me this stops now.

**Chapter 2 will be up soon! Please Review!**


	2. Chapter 2

Still getting over the whole Alex dilemma, I decided to take a nice, relaxing stroll around Sunny Lake. I expected when I first entered the beautiful protected area, I thought I would get a full view of the shimmering lake.

I was wrong.

If fact, that was the exact opposite of what I saw. As soon as I came into the area, I felt something heavy latch onto my back and the next thing I knew, my face was in the dirt. It took my mind a bit to come back from its daze, but once it did, I turned my head around to see…

"Hi! It's me, Basil!"

Lovely. I was just glomped by a metaphor obsessed plant hunter.

"Basil, is there any reason why you are on top of me?" I asked.

"Well," he responded. "Fate just blew in like a fall breeze down the mountain."

Oh no…he's using similes again. "Uh…well…it seems that fate blew a little too hard."

"Actually, now that we're on the subject of fate," Basil said, "wanna go on a nice ROMANTIC stroll up to waterfall with me?"

I gulped. Romantic? This is Alex all over again. But I'm afraid if I decline he might attack me with a poisonous plant or something. "Er…sure…"

"Oh goody, goody!" Basil squealed, lifting me up and grabbing my hand. "We're going to have the BEST time!"

So, here I was. On a romantic stroll with Basil the plant hunter. Ugh.

As soon as we started, Basil picked up a purple herb and shoved it in my face. "Isn't it beautiful? It reminds me of your eyes."

"But…my eyes aren't purple," I corrected.

"Er…right! They remind me of your…liver."

I blinked. "Er…th-thank you?"

After a couple more of these awkward…lines…we arrived at the waterfall.

"Well, thank you Basil it's been-

I started to walk away but he forced me to the ground with him. "You're not going to leave me, are you? Pleeease don't leave me!"

I really wanted to, but he just seemed so pathetic I had to stay.

"You know…you're like a spring breeze into my heart…" Basil said with a swoon.

That same nervous feeling I got with Alex was back. "Um…that's very poetic…"

"You think I'm poetic? Then you'll love this!" Basil grabbed a bunch of paper out his backpack and gave it to me. "They're all about yoooou…"

I began to back away; Basil was giving me a creepy look. I felt like throwing up again. Especially since some of these poems he wrote about me weren't for the eyes of anyone under 21.

He then shoved a flower into my arms. "It's a moondrop flower! Isn't it romaaaantic?"

"Basil…um…"

"What?" Basil's eyes glistened with hope. "Are you going to ask me something? Maybe about a certain feather? Of a certain colour?"

"No…I was just going to tell you that…"

The plant hunter plucked the random feather sticking out of his hat and held up a blue piece of paper. "Tina, what colour is this paper?"

"Blue," I answered, "but…"

"And what is this other thing I'm holding?"

"A feather," I responded. "But Basil, I really should…"  
"HA! You said it!" he shouted. "I do! I do, Tina! Hug me!"

"Basil! I don't want to marry you!" I retaliated.

"Hush, my flower," the plant maniac put his index finger to my lips. "Tell me…" he began to straighten his hair. "Have you ever kissed a man who smells like flowers?" Basil raised his eyebrows creepily.

Ugh…someone, please kill me…

No…no I take that back. There are two main ways to get killed in Flower Bud Village. You either get shot several times by Terry and go through a slow and painful death or Jamie assassinates you in the middle of the night with a screwdriver…dipped in poison.

Yeah, everyone's pretty violent here.

But no, this was awful. I had to think fast or I would have to lock lips with a guy who bathes in flower petals. Well, it's not like he can bathe at home. …does this guy even have a home? He and Ray probably share a box or something.

Anyway, I need a way out of this…

"Uh…look Basil! Joe's desecrating the flowers again!"

Basil stopped his creepy advance towards me and turned the other way. "Joe! Do you want me to force you to eat yogurt again?"

At this point, I got up and ran home as fast as my little legs could carry me. And then, I had to look forward to another sleepless night.

The next morning there was a knock at the door. And I think I knew exactly who it was.

Of course, standing there with a big smile on his face was Basil. "Hello, my sweet flower! Your smile will be my morning sun!"

"Basil…go away…" I growled.

"Hey…you know those leafs on an ear of corn?" he asked.

"Yeah, why?"

He raised his eyebrow in a creepy way. "If you were an ear of corn, I'd rip those leafs off and taste your sweet kernels."

There was a long pause.

I slammed the door.

**Sorry if this one wasn't very good. I don't think I know any plant-related pick-up lines. I'm going in Alphabetical order so the next chapter has Blue in it. Fun.**


	3. Chapter 3

**Let me just say this now: Blue fangirls, I'm sorry, but please restrain from killing me. And uh, this chapter may contain disturbing animal pick-up lines. But this story is rated T for a reason.**

I've been questioning whether I should live here anymore. These people are crazy. But, the Exciting Ranch Plan flyer said that the people of Flower Bud Village would be a little insane. If only I knew before…

Anyway, I got up and went into my barn to feed my animals, when I heard someone clearing their throat. I turned around…

It was Blue.

Now, Blue was a person I'm not too afraid of; he's quiet, hard-working, and can be anti-social at times. What harm could he do?

Ohh…I was wrong.

"Um…hi Tina…" Blue said, in his usual tone of voice, which was a relief.

"Oh, hi Blue. What do you need?"

"Well, uh…" he responded nervously, which was a bad sign. "I came to ask you if you need any help with any farm work."

"No thanks, I'm-

"Please!" he interjected. "I MUST show you how to do farm work! I muuuust…"

I blinked. "Oh…okay. Just calm down. You can show me what you want…"

"Great!" he exclaimed, running over to one of my cows.

I'm not sure if this can go wrong or not. Blue's not the type of who would do anything creepy, right?

That's what I kept telling myself.

"Okay Tina, this'll be a three day lesson, and today I will show you how to milk properly…" Blue pulled out a milker. "First, you have to grab it FIRMLY in your…_soft hands." _A creepy smile slid across his face and I began to panic a little. "Then, you just…jerk the milker until you get that sweet, creamy white stuff…"

I twitched a bit. "You mean…milk, right?"

Blue raised his eyebrows in a creepy way. "Maybe…I _could_ be referring to something else…"

…I think I'm about to throw up. I knew EXACTLY what he was referring to.

"Now, I think it's time you try. But, in fear of you hurting your dear cow, you can practice on me first…" Blue snickered.

My mouth dropped. "What?" I exclaimed. "You…I…you're not supposed to…you…" I couldn't get anything out. This just wasn't like Blue.

"Oh come on, don't be shy…" Blue winked at me. "_I'm all yours_…"

"Er…Blue!" I shouted nervously. "I just remembered that Tai has my watering can and I really need it!" I started to push him out. "Maybe we could do this another time. Liiike, ten years from now."

"All right, I understand your rush," he replied. "But I'll be back tomorrow. I'll be counting down the hours…"

I heaved a huge sigh of relief as he left. I tried to do as little as I could to make the day go by slowly for I was not prepared for another one of Cowboy Blue's Animal Lessons.

The next morning, I awoke with nothing but dread. I had to feed my animals, I just had to. I went into the barn and almost immediately after I entered, Blue arrived.

"Hey there, my little cowgirl," he greeted. "Are you ready for today's lesson? We're going to work with sheep."

Okay…sheep. There can't be anything wrong with sheep, can there? Maybe he just had something to say about cows. He can't say anything about sheep.

He held up some shears. "You've sheared a sheep, right?"

"…yes," I replied.

"Well, there's a secret to good quality wool," Blue stated. "First, you have brush the wool beforehand, then, you must shear the sheep at a medium-slow pace, to make sure you don't damage the wool. Then after doing all this, you must massage a lotion into the sheep's skin to ensure good wool growth."

This actually sounded helpful. "Whoa, really? Thanks, Blue!"

"Any time," he responded. "Now, I'm going to show you. …oh, well it looks like your sheep has been shaved already. That's okay though. We'll just have to improvise." He clipped the shears a few times and pulled out the lotion. "Tina, you're going to be the sheep and your clothes are going to be the wool. I'll just…heheheh…cut off all your clothes and massage your whole body with this lotion…"

My stomach did about three back flips. I felt sick. "Uh…Blue…" I quickly thought of an excuse. "I uh…think I left something in the oven. So…" I started to push him out. "You can just leave. Forever."

"That's fine," he replied. "Tomorrow's going to be a fun lesson. I think you'll like it…"

Did I even want to know? And there's no way to stop him from coming either. I guess I'll just have to sit through it…

The next day I awoke and heaved a sigh of dread. One more creepy lesson. I went into my barn as usual and Blue, of course, arrived on time.

"Are you ready for today's lesson?" he inquired with a raised eyebrow.

I gulped. I wasn't. "Um…sure…"

The Cowboy nodded and walked over to my horse. "Fine horse you have here. Do you ride her?"

"Well, sometimes. But not too-

"That's great," he interrupted. "Because I ought to show you how to ride a horse."

I think I knew where this was going.

"Well, your horse seems pretty tired today so, I think we'll have to try something else," Blue said, shooting a perverted grin at me. "Since I need to be the showing you what to do, I think that you'll have to be the horse in this lesson."

I twitched and felt the desire to throw up again.

He gave a creepy laugh. "Oh yeah, and we need a lot of room, so…we should probably do this, uh, in your house."

That was it, I couldn't take this anymore. I turned around and just left. I ran inside my house, locked the doors and windows, and collapsed into my bed.

I don't care if the crops don't get watered; I need about three days of non-stop sleep.

**Sorry Blue Fangirls! Oh yeah, next is Bob. I sort of have an idea for him, but I'm not sure so it might take me a little while.**


	4. Chapter 4

**Note: I may or may not have very good knowledge in animal trivia.**

BANG! BANG!

I awoke with a jolt. I moaned, sat up and rubbed my eyes. My whole house just shook. Was it an earthquake? No way. There are no earthquakes here. Is it a typhoon? Wait, it's spring, that doesn't work. Then, I realized just what it was.

BANG! BANG! CRASH!

I looked over at my door, which had fallen, and standing on the other side was Bob.

"Hi Tina," he greeted. "How are you doing?"

"Um…lovely," I replied looking at my broken door. "What do you need?"

"Well," he responded. "I was wondering…will you…go on a date with me?"

Ohhh no, I am NOT falling for this again. I don't care how nice Bob is I'm not going on any date with him. "Um…I'm sorry Bob, but I can't."

"What?" he exclaimed. "A-Are you sure? Because I've been watching you. And between the hours of 4 P.M. and 6 P.M. you don't have anything to do. So, I was thinking then that we could…"

"Wait…you've been stalking me?" I interrupted.

"Yeah, half the people in this village do. Anyway, please go out with me?"

"No," I replied sternly. "Now, let me fix my door…"

_Ubiquitous_-present everywhere at once, or seeming to be. Why am I giving you a vocabulary lesson? Because through out the day, this adjective stuck with Bob. Don't believe me? Well, here, let me give you some examples.

I opened my fridge to get something and there he was. In my fridge. His eyes grew large and pathetic and he moaned, "Pleeeaaase?" I shook my head and then closed the refrigerator. I froze for a second, and then opened it again. He was gone.

I went to my barn. I reached into my fodder bin to get food for my animals. Instead of fodder though, I got Bob. "Pleeeaaase?" Again I shook my head and he disappeared back into the bin.

I went to go water my crops. My watering can was empty so I went to my well to fill it. Guess who was in my well? Bob. "Pleeeaaase?" I replied with a no and he sunk back into the well.

I went to Blue Sky Ranch to buy some chicken feed. Bob popped out of their bookshelf. "Pleeeaaase?" Again I denied him and he sunk back into the void behind the bookshelf.

This was weird. I walked by Jamie. We exchanged glares as usual. Suddenly Jamie's hat started to shake, and Bob rose up from under Jamie's hat. There he was, standing perfectly erect on Jamie's head. Um…Physics? Where art thou? "Pleeeaaase go out with me?" When I shook my head, he sighed and then Jamie's hat sunk down over him. He…was gone. Jamie's eyes were wide with fear. Slowly, he backed up to the river and just fell backwards.

Finally, I went up to the waterfall to fish. I got a bite but when I pulled it, it…it wasn't a fish. "Please go out with me, Tina!!!" Bob screamed as I reeled him in.

I couldn't take this anymore. "Fine! I'll go out with you!"

Unfortunately, I had to do this. If I didn't agree, I might lift up my covers later tonight to see Bob there. And that…would've been awkward.

Anyway, because it's basically the only social place in Flower Bud, Bob and I went to the Moonlight Café.

I could tell he was nervous as soon as we got our table. Why? He was sweating like the Gourmet after he walks 5 feet.

"Um…so…" he was speaking very quietly. "Did you know that…DOGS STAY CONNECTED AT THE BUTT FOR AN HOUR AFTER MATING?"

The café was silent. Someone coughed.

"Uhhh…" I looked around nervously. "What's wrong with you?"

"Oh…I'm sorry…" he replied quietly. "Sometimes…when I get nervous I CAN'T CONTROL THE VOLUME OF MY VOICE…or what I say."

My ears were ringing bit. "Um…Bob, you don't need to be nervous around me."

"Well, it's kind of hard because…DID YOU KNOW THAT LIONS MATE CONTINUOUSLY THROUGHOUT THE DAY?"

The café grew silent again.

"Er…" I started. "Look, Bob, it was really nice of you to bring be out like this but I don't think this is working ou-

"I LOVE YOU, TINA!!!" Bob jumped up and screamed. Once again the café grew silent. Bob, blushing madly, ran out of the café.

All of the heads seemed to turn to me. I sunk down into my chair and covered my face. Why is it always me?

The next day, I awoke somewhat surprised. No knocking on my door. When I walked outside, I was astounded; PILES of mail. I began to look at them. All of them were from Bob and they said the exact same thing: "I luv u Tina. Form Bob." I got the message, but why did he send me almost 100 letters saying this? Actually, never mind. I don't want to know. All I want is for this creepiness to end.

**I know, a little short. Sorry. Next chapter is Carl. I know what I'm going to do with it so it should be up soon.**


	5. Chapter 5

The lack of sleep lately has really caused me to slack in my work. My crops haven't been watered in about a week, and do my animals even have enough fodder? Ugh, this whole business with these four guys has been unbearable.

Anyway, one of the town's wives tales said that it's good to eat sweets when you're tired. So, I decided to stop by Café Calloway. Most of the people who go there are girls, so I'm sure I'll be okay.

Once again, my assumption was incorrect.

I walked in and was immediately noticed by Carl, the owner.

"Oh! Hi Tina…" he greeted nervously. "Um…what are you here for?"

"I want something sweet," I replied.

"Yes you are…" he remarked dreamily.

I blinked. "Um…what? What are you talking about?"

"NOTHING!!!" He shouted nervously. "Now…let me show you to your table."

He rummaged below the counter and grabbed what looked to be a menu. He then led me to a table.

"Our specialty today is the cake. And the chef's recommendation is the cake."

I looked at the menu and in huge bold letters it read, "CAKE: FREE FOR PEOPLE HOW ARE AS SWEET AS IT."

"Um…can I have some pudding, please?" I asked.

"Might I recommend the cake?"

What's with this cake thing? "That's nice but I want pudding."

"I'll put down your order for the cake…"

"But I want the pud…" I stopped and sighed. "You know what? Just put me down for the cake…"

"Good choice!" exclaimed Carl. "And…YOU don't have to pay anything, my honey dipped butter biscuit." He skipped off to the kitchen.

I'm his honey dipped WHAT?  
It didn't matter. I'm sure, or at least I HOPE, he says that to all of the girls. I sat there and waited for what seemed to be thirty minutes. Finally, Carl ran out with the huge cake.

"I thought I was just getting a slice," I said.

"Well," he replied. "I thought that you're sweet enough to get a whole cake. So, eat. Quickly."

I was confused at this statement. Also, Carl looked extremely nervous and shaky. As I scooped up a forkful of the moist cake, I could feel his nervousness behind me. But as I bought it up to my mouth, I saw Katie, the waitress, shaking her head as if to tell me not to eat it.

"Um…Carl! I smell something burning in the kitchen!" Katie shouted.

"Really?" He immediately ran to inspect it.

Katie hit the fork out of my hand. "Don't eat that!"

I blinked. "Why?"

She whispered in a hushed tone, "I was back there while he was making it. He put a sleeping drug in the mix! One bite of that and you'll be out like a light!"

"Why is he trying to drug me?" I asked.

"He probably is in love with you. Drugging someone shows that you truly love them," she replied. "Lately, he's been naming all of his cakes after you. Once he even put your face in icing on one cake. Then, he slammed his face into the cake and tried to make out with it."

Great, ANOTHER guy likes me. But this time with a new twist: I was almost drugged. I didn't even think people in this town knew how to drug others. Except maybe Dan. Or Hank.

Carl came back in. "Nothing's burning, Katie. But I think I saw Joe walk by."

"JOE???" Katie dashed out the door.

Carl turned to me. "Did you take a bite yet?"

I had to lie in case he forced me. "Uh…yeah. It was good. But I'm full…"

"How about just one more bite?" he asked. Carl then grabbed a handful of cake and started stuffing it down my throat.

He rubbed the middle of my neck and I was forced to swallow. Suddenly, I got very sleepy and began to fall backwards. As I did, I saw a creepy smile dash across Carl's face…

…I heard yelling. I felt mushy stuff all over my body. Finally, my thoughts returned and I was able to move. I opened my eyes and slowly sat up.

It was a mess.

Everywhere, there were cakes, pudding, and chocolate smashed. All over the walls, the floors, tables, and me. Then I saw what was really going on; Bob and Carl were fighting. Carl was squishing pies into Bob's face while Bob was pouring hot liquid on Carl's head.

"I had her all nice and drugged," Carl yelled. "Then you had to come in here and ruined EVERYTHING!"

"Well, you need to just lay off!" Bob screamed. "I'll have you know that she and I talked about the different ways animals mate. Only TRUE lovers do that!"

I cleared my throat noticeably; the two stopped fighting.

"Sleeping beauty awakens!" Bob swooned.

"Aw, man," Carl groaned. "Now I have to make ANOTHER drug cake. You just wait right there, Tina…" he ran off to the kitchen.

As soon as he left, I stood up and calmly walked out the door. Then, I ran home so fast I had no recollection of doing so.

Well, I learned a few things today. One: Never eat at Café Calloway. Two: Bob's ubiquitousness can be very helpful at times. And Three: Talking about how animals mate does NOT show that you love a person.

What am I going to do now? Take a nice long hot shower to scrub this cake off and find a new place to live.


	6. Chapter 6

**Warning: This chapter is…kind of perverted. Well, actually, if you read the Blue chapter this should be fine.**

When I went to bed that night, I completely forgot that the next day is the first of summer.

Well…let's just say I got a nice reminder.

My alarm went off at 6 AM as always, but with all of this stuff happening, my body needed more rest. So, I just hit the snooze alarm.

"Wooo…"

I sat up; could it be? A typhoon? Wait, it was the first day of summer, wasn't it?

"Thank goodness!" I heaved a sigh of relief; typhoon means no work. I collapsed backwards and embraced my much needed sleep.

"Wooooo!"

The wind seemed to be getting louder. I didn't really think much of it and just rolled over.

"WOOOO!!!"

That last howl sounded really strange, almost like someone was…

CRASH!! A flash of red crashed through my window; glass rained onto the floor.

"WOOO! Watch out Tina! It's Typhoon Dan, a category 5 on the loooove scale."

Oh no. It's Dan, the "Master Pick-up Artist." Just what I need right now.

Dan did a creepy pose. "Hello, my little kitty-cat. Do you want to put your cold, soft hands on my hot Latin chest?" Immediately, he tore off his shirt.

Ugh. My eyes! I covered them quickly. "Dan! Get out of here!"

"Oh, come on Tina!" Dan pulled my hands away from my eyes. "It's the first day of your summer of PASSION."

"I don't want a summer of passion!" I yelled. "Please leave so I can clean all of this glass up."

"Sorry Tina," he responded, flexing. "But Typhoon Dan is stationary and will be causing a flash flood of love goo."

"Get ou-wait. What's love goo?"

Dan gave a perverted smirk "Oh, you know what it is."

I thought for a second.

…

EW.

"Get out of here, perv!" I shoved him out the door.

"Tina! You can't run from Typhoon Dan!" He warned as I slammed the door.

I began to clean the shattered glass and tatters of Dan's shirt. I thought Blue was bad. Dan is the most perverted guy I've ever met!

You know what? I'm leaving this village. NOW.

Bang! Bang!

Who was it now? I don't need to see anyone right now. I opened the door…

There stood those three stalker Harvest Sprites.

"Tina! Tina!" the red one shouted. "We got word that you waned to leave!"

"Wait, I didn't even verbally announce that!" I exclaimed.

"Don't worry, we can read minds!" the blue responded.

"Anyway," the yellow one began, "the thing is, you can't leave unless you revive the Harvest Goddess which you need 20 more notes to do."

"So, I can't leave? Ugh…" I groaned.

"Sorry," said the red one. "But don't give up! Persevere! It's not too late! Keep going-

I slammed the door.

I'm just going to pretend there WAS a typhoon today.

Bang!

My eyes popped open I glanced at the clock which read "2 AM." I don't know what made that noise, but I'm not going worry about it. I fall back and closed my eyes. But…something was weird.

As I breathed in, I…think I smelled fish. Then, the light came on, my eyes opened, and there standing over me was Dan, holding a fish above my head.

"Hello, sleepy-headed kitty-cat," he said with a smirk. "Are you hungry? Do you want a fishy snack?"

My eye twitched and then I gave him an irritated look. "Get. Out." I growled.

"Aw, is kitty-cat angry?" Dan asked. "Does kitty-cat want me to rub her soft belly?"

"No!" I screamed, pushing him away from me. "And stop calling me a kitty-cat!"

"Okay, okay, I won't," he replied. "But I came here because I know you wanted my hot Latin chest."

"Dan…it's 2 in the morning."

"He gave a creepy laugh. "I know. It's the prime time for summer passion. The night may already be hot, but you and I, Tina, can make it HOTTER."

I felt like I was about to throw up. "Please just get out of here. You're making me sick."

"Aw," he said. "Kitty-cat is sick. I know just what to give you…"

He pulled out a glass with liquid in it.

"What's that?" I asked.

He snickered. "Heh heh, it's SODA."

Okay, I KNEW it wasn't soda. To the people who don't know, it's not soda it's sake, alcohol. You do not age a grape and get soda, you get wine.

"No, Dan, I do not want your 'soda.' Get out!" I started pushing him out.

"Aw, but kitty-caaaat…"

"OUT!" I pushed him out, then slammed and locked the door.

I fell back into bed; I am getting those notes as fast as possible.

**A little short, I know, but next is Joe. Greeeat…**


	7. Chapter 7

**(dodges all of the rotten fruit being thrown at her) Yeah, I'm REALLY sorry guys. So many games have been coming out, like Radiant Dawn, and of course, I've been playing them. But, I decided to settle down a bit before the big Super Smash Brothers Brawl rampage and write something before you guys form a lynch mob.**

Desperate. Just…do me a big favour and remember that word. Why? Well, you'll see.

It was nearing the end of summer. I could feel the air getting a little dryer as the long summer days toiled on. I know I should probably knock on wood before stating this, but…I've had no disturbances from any of the Flower Bud bachelors.

Yeah, pretty amazing, isn't it? I've been collecting notes and money like there's no tomorrow. Although lately, with this big break of those bachelors, I have to admit I've been letting my guard down, which usually isn't good in this town for you have the constant threat of death by Jamie.

As the summer wore down even more, so did my guard. And this was the cause of my dilemma today.

Desperate. Still have that word in your mind? Good.

After my lunch, I heard a knock on my door. For some odd reason as I walked to the door, my stomach lurched. I don't think that's a good sign.

I opened the door, and there stood Joe, the wannabe fisherman of Flower Bud.

"Hey, Tina," he greeted with a grin. "How are you?"

"Good…" I responded reluctantly. "Is…there something you want?"

"Well…not really," he replied twiddling his thumbs. "Just thought I'd stop by and maybe-I WANNA BE YOUR BOYFRIEND!!!" he fell to his knees, gasping my shirt and shaking me. "I WANNA BE YOUR BOYFRIEND!!! LOVE MEEEE!!!"  
My eye twitched. "Um…Joe? Could you maybe like…oh I don't know…leave?"

Joe's eyes began to water. "OH TINA!!!" he shouted. "MY LOVE FOR YOU BURNS WITH THE INTENSITY OF A THOUSAND SUNS!!!"

I rubbed my ears for this shouting was getting unbearable. "That's great, now um…I have work to do. So…I'll see you later…"

"No!" Joe grabbed my feet. "You must love me! I'll be any kind of man you want!"

"Joe, I really-

He came really close to me, and his face was like stone. "Any kind of man you want."

I had to think of something fast before something bad happened. "Um…Joe! Ray's insulting your fishing skills again!"

"How dare he!" Joe quickly departed.

I wiped my forehead in relief. But I didn't expect Joe to just leave it at that.

And he didn't.

That evening, as I was walking back from work in the mines, I heard someone behind me, but when I turned, no one was there. I grew nervous; what if it was Jamie? Theodore told me Jamie attempts to murder everyone at least once. As I continued to walk through the night, the footsteps grew closer. With each stage of loudness increasing, I whipped around to inspect, but still, no one was there. Until suddenly, a hand grasped tightly on my shoulder. I let out a scream.

"Whoa, whoa!" reassured a familiar voice. "Calm down!"

When I finally got a grasp on what was going on, I realized my stalker was none other than Joe.

"Joe! What the heck are you doing?!"

"I'm not Joe, I'm the…" Joe struck a weird pose. "The Mysterious J!"

I blinked. "Um…the what?"

"Well, girls like mysterious guys, don't they?" Joe struck another weird pose. "And I'm mysterious! I am…the Mysterious J…"

I shook my head. "Sneaking around at night and scaring the poo out of people is NOT mysterious. It's creepy…"

"Well, do you find me lover material yet? Maybe even a little bit sexy?"

"No!" I shouted. "Now, go away!"

It didn't stop there.

The next day I was watering my crops. Suddenly, Joe confronted me. Except he was in gangster clothes and had a giant J necklace.

"Yo, T to the I to the N to the A. It's jiggity-Joe here to give to the 411 on the forizzidy-nizzle."

I…I couldn't even come up with reaction to this.

"I'm a playa, from the Himalayas. I'm a singah, with some funky fresh blingah, and I'm here to tell ya how I should be your lova. Wikky-wikky-word, dawg."

At that point, Joe was tackled by Jamie who was screaming that people don't know how to speak anymore. I used this time to sneak away.

Finally, as I was walking up to the mountain for some foraging, Joe appeared…once again.

"Hey, babe," Joe said with a creepy grin.

"Joe…please…just leave me alone," I groaned.

"You don't want me to leave you alone," he replied. "Because I know you want my sexy body." At this point, he tore off his shirt and flexed.

"You know, Dan's probably going to sue you for copyright infringement."

"Nah, that won't happen," Joe responded. "Besides, look at this sexy muscular body."

I covered my eyes. "I don't want to!"

"Oh yes you do. It's so hot and steamy that I'm a fire hazard in this forest," Joe continued to flex. "I bet now you love me."

My eye twitched. "Joe, I love you just about as I'd love to rip out my small intestine and skip rope with it in Jamie's garden."

"Wow, you must really love me then!" Joe exclaimed. "Now we can get married, and have kids, then have grandkids, and then have more kids. Ah, what a wonderful life we will have!"

I sighed. "Joe, I don't love you, and I never will. You're DESPERATE."

See? Desperate. Word of the day. And no, you don't have to scream every time you hear it.

Joe was silent for a few seconds. "Don't worry Tina! I'll become your type no matter what!" Joe began to mess with his hair. "Girls like those…emo guys…right? That's right! I'll be an emo! And then you'll think I'm a sexmuffin."

Joe skipped off, and I sighed. I'm not even that attractive! And my personality isn't even that great! So why are 7 guys stalking me? Well…the summer finally ended and the Fall began. I can only hope that this nonsense will stop.

**Next is Joe's brother, Kurt. I have a good idea for him, so, I hopefully will get this up on Valentine's Day (How appropriate! Especially since I married Kurt in my game.) So check for updates1**


	8. Chapter 8

**Well, it's Valentine's Day, and strangely enough, this is Kurt's chapter, and I married Kurt. But, that doesn't mean I'll go easy on him. I warn you, this is another perverted chapter!**

Ever since fall arrived, I've been working my tail off, and it's been incredibly tiring. So, with my extra money, I bought a large bed. That stupid bed that came with the house is killing me.

But…it wasn't as simple as that, unfortunately.

A few days after ordering, while I was eating my breakfast, I heard a knock on the door. With anticipation I ran to the door, hoping that my bed had arrived.

I opened the door and there stood Kurt, the "Cool Craftsman" as everyone called him. I don't think "cool" is the right word. I think the word "anti-social" would work better.

"Did you order this?" Kurt asked with his usual tone of voice.

"Yes," I responded. "Just um…put it over in the corner."

Kurt nodded, and dragged the huge bed over. But for some reason, it was turned over on its side. Kurt went around to the back, and then with all of his might, rammed it through my door, taking out almost the entire wall.

"Kurt! What are you doing?!" I exclaimed.

"Oh, must have not been paying attention…" he replied.

"Not paying attention?!" I screamed. "You destroyed my house!"

"It's okay, Tina," he reassured. "I'm a Carpenter, I can fix this, no charge. You just run along now and do your work while I fix this. Come back at about 8 or so."

I sighed; could I argue with him? So, I went to do my work. I fed my animals, watered my crops, foraged in the woods, mined, and even got dinner at the Moonlight Café. Finally, it was 8 o' clock and I walked back home to see if Kurt was finished.

My house looked like nothing had happened; it was as good as new. I opened the door and went inside. The first thing I noticed was that it was extremely dark, so I flipped on the lights. However, something unexpected occurred.

When I flipped the switch for the lights to come on, a disco ball descended from the ceiling and began to twirl. Rose petals rained from the ceiling as creepy music that you would probably hear in a rated X movie began to play. A row of pink lights lit up a pathway leading me to velvet, heart shaped bed. And there, lying on the bed in a tight, shiny red speedo and covered with rose pedals was Kurt.

My eye twitched frenziedly as I took in this disturbing scene. Kurt gave me such a creepy grin that I can't even describe it.

"Hey there, my rowdy little farmer," he said, taking a handful of rose petals and sprinkling them on himself. "How do you like the new decorations?"

I was so disgusted that I could hardly speak. "K-Kurt…?! YOU did this?! You're the last person on Earth I would expect to do this!"

"Love makes us do crazy things, Tina," he responded. "But for now, let's put everything aside and uh…get down to business."

He pulled out a remote and pressed a button. Upon doing so that accursed heart bed started vibrating. Kurt made a "come hither" gesture.

I backed away. "Kurt! Please leave! You're creeping me out!"

"Don't worry, my love," Kurt snickered in a perverted fashion. "I'm not going to hurt you. I'm just here to fix you…with my screwdriver…"

I thought about that for a few seconds, and then I almost threw up. "Kurt! Get out of here!"

"Aw, are you not in the mood, sweetheart?" he asked. "Don't worry, I have some inspirational videos." He lifted up the remote and aimed it a big screen T.V.

"NO!" I yelled, jumping in front of it. "That's not necessary!"

"All right, then I guess we can just get started," he remarked with a wink. "I have some special…let's just call it grease…that would be perfect for this situation."

I had just about lost it. "Kurt…get out…before I call Jamie."

Kurt was silent for a few seconds. "…all right. If you REALLY want me to stop." He clicked the remote and the normal lights came on. Then, he hit another button and suddenly the walls and ceiling flipped and all of my normal stuff was back, except my bed, which was now the large bed I ordered.

I gave a sigh of relief. "Whew…I'm glad that's over."

Kurt put his arm around me. "I know you're not ready tonight, but once you are, you can just press this button and we can get our groove on."

I wiggled out of Kurt's grasp. "Kurt, I don't WANT to get my groove on, whatever that means. Besides, where did you get all of this stuff?"

"Well," he answered. "I bought the heart bed from Dan, disco ball from Michael, pink lights from Liz, rose petals from Nina, and then the videos from Hank."

I didn't want anymore information. "Why are you even doing this to me?"

"Well, you DID order the large bed, which means you want to get married in this village. So…Theodore will give you the blue feather any day now."

"Actually," I said. "I already HAVE that. He gave it to me on Thanksgiving because the Gourmet ate all of the food in his house."

"Really?" he inquired. "Well, in that case…"

I pushed Kurt out. "GET OUT."

When he was out, I slammed the door and sighed. I think need to burn that blue feather. Wait…I already tried that. It's indestructible.

**Yeah, I'm REALLY sorry about that one. And I'm sure you all are going to scream at me that Kurt's OOC but you don't know what happens when your farmer jumps in bed and that screen goes black. ANYTHING CAN HAPPEN. Anyway, next chapter is Louis, and since he is a nerd he will be having a bunch of math/science oriented pick-up lines. So, I warn you in advance.**


	9. Chapter 9

**After a long year, I'm back with a new chapter! I hope it's on par with your all's standards. And I should probably tell you that the next chapter won't be up for a little while because I have a satire/research paper to work on for my English class. After that's done, I'll be back!**

It was around the middle of Fall and life was still as rough as ever. It's hard to take care of your animals when every time you go to Blue Sky Ranch you get assaulted by Blue and/or Bob. I've had to time my outings just right as to avoid any creepy run-ins with the Flower Bud bachelors.

But nothing in the world could have prepared me for this event.

I had needed a larger refrigerator for while now, due to the fact I was growing a lot of crops. So, I decided that I would go to Michael's and get one. However, it had completely fled my mind that the super nerd Louis was usually there. And unfortunately…Michael was out at the moment so Louis was manning the register.

"Welcome to the Ju…hu…hummana…" Louis stared at me with his mouth wide open.

I sighed. "Hello Louis. Look I nee-

"YOU ACKNOWLEDGED MY EXISTENCE!" he screamed. "That means…you want me!"

Oh gosh. Here we go AGAIN. "Louis I don't WANT you, what I want is-

"A date!?" Louis interjected. "Okay! Let's go to the library! It's so romantic!"

"No!" I answered. "I don't want any more of this!"

No matter how much I protested and struggled, I was somehow dragged to the library, of all places. Well, at least Louis can't do anything perverted in a library.

Ohhhhh, was _I_ wrong.

"Don't you just looove the library?" he asked when we arrived.

"Uh…sure I guess…"I replied. "Look, I don't want to hurt your feelings but I really don't want to get in a relationship with you."

He was silence for a second. "Do you want to see my pubic region?"

"…wait what?"

"I can show it to you in the romance section if you'd like," he added. "After that we can consult the science books for step by step information on the act of human reproduction."

"No, Louis!" I yelled. "Look, I need to go…I don't want to deal with this right now."

"DON'T LEAVE ME!" he grabbed me by the wrist. "I neeeeeed yoooou."

"No you don't!" I ripped myself from his grasp.

"How many children do you want to have?" Louis randomly inquired. "I think the number of children should have a 1:148 ratio of how many times we engage in the exhilarating act of reproduction. We'll have to make sure to take safety precautions on the times we do not wish to create an offspring."

"What?!" I exclaimed. "That's it, I'm leaving."

Thankfully, I was able to escape Louis's web of perversion. But this was starting to get bad. I have NINE _desperate_ bachelors on my heels, and they seemed to be getting worse as the numbers increased. I was beginning to get stressed from all of the increase of stalkers. So, I went to the ONLY place that my stalkers can't find me: Starry Hill. Which is weird because it's the place where "lovers meet" or whatever. Anyway, I sat down and soaked in the fall scenery.

"Have you ever been bisected at a 45 degree angle by a super smart and buff man such as me?"

…oh no. Slowly, I turned around and there stood Louis.

He grinned in a perverted manner. "So, I'm thinking for our first time, my body should be 180 degrees while your body becomes perpendicular at my pubic region."

My eye twitched. I…I never thought it could be described in that way. "L-Louis…I…"

"Hush my soon to be spouse!" he interrupted. "You'll ruin our moment! Now, let us exchange food-dissolving saliva." He began advancing towards me.

"Ack! No!" I pushed him back. "How many times do I have to tell you that I don't want to date you?"

"I know you don't want to date me," Louis replied. "You want to marry me. I know your mind, my love, you want me to connect my USB cord to your port and transfer my files onto your hard drive as soon as possible, am I right?"

I…really wasn't sure what he was talking about there. "Please…just let me sit here in peace."

He chuckled. "I know your game. Dan says you play hard to get."

"Yeah well I…" I paused for a moment. "Did you say Dan?"

"Well…erm…yeah…" Louis began to grow nervous. "He um…helped with my confidence problems."

"Confidence problems?" I asked.

"Yeah…I um…passed out every time I tried to confront you. I threw up a lot too. Oh yeah, I had a heart attack once. And an ulcer."

I blinked. "And so, after your um…problems, you went to Dan for pick-up lines."

"Well, actually," he answered. "I made those up myself! Dan just helped me with keeping calm while delivering them. I just have to uh…imagine you naked and I calm down."

My eye twitched. I can only imagine how he's imagining what my body looks like. "Um…how about you go to Dan for more lessons?"

Louis shook his head. "Nah, I think I should make imagination come to life right now."

He began advancing towards me again with a look that NO girl ever wants to see on a guy she's afraid of. There has to be a way to get Louis to go away, but how? Then…suddenly it hit me.

I grabbed him by the hand.

Louis froze, his eyes widened. "…you…touched…mehanama…" Then he passed out.

Victory! And now was my chance to escape which I promptly took advantage of. However, my troubles were not over. Louis wouldn't remain that way forever. And unfortunately he came to his senses that evening…

BANG! BANG!

"Tinaaaa! Your smart yet strong man is here!"

Ugh…I was NOT going to open that door, no matter what. Maybe if I just ignored him he'll go away…

CRASH!

…yup…you guessed it. He just dove in through my window.

"WHERE'S THE BLUE FEATHER?!" he demanded.

"…it doesn't exist," I responded.

"Aw, my female that bears the egg of our unborn child that I will fertilize in a matter of days, don't lie to me. I know Theodore gave it to you. EVERYONE KNOWS."

I grew nervous. "Louis, how about I think about it first."

"You don't NEED to think about it," he replied. "I know you love me, and I know you're just playing hard to get in order to arouse me."

I twitched. If I allow this to go any further, I might actually end up marrying this guy. I had to distract him again. But when I tried grabbing his hand…

"I have gained immunity to your glorious hand holding charm, my love!"

Crud…this is bad. I had to try something a little more extreme; I hugged him.

That worked! "Hu…huggie…hugamana…" he mumbled before passing out.

"Whew…" I sighed. "It's all over. I just need to get rid of him…"

And so I dragged Louis's body to Jamie's doorstep and went home, hoping that Jamie will beat the memories of me out of Louis's head.

**Sorry if that wasn't as good. It's been a while and Louis was kind of hard…**


End file.
